The Perfection Trap: stop the obsession

I’ve lost my perfectionism after 14 weeks of posting online, and it feels great!

Those who have been following my online presence lately know that, at the end of 2023, I started a weekly blog (and newsletter) where I share the things I learn and my reflections, mainly around breaking free from the cycle of conditional validation and elite expectations. My goal is to help us discover more of our true selves and worth, feel more alive, lead with more purpose and intention, and prioritize important things rather than chasing anything and everything.

After 14 weeks of posting my blogs each Monday, I dropped the ball last week — no blog post, no email in the inbox of those who gave me their attention and interest by subscribing to my weekly newsletter. And while I thought this would give me a horrible feeling, it actually felt good, and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made with myself to accept and embrace what happened.

So today, I want to share a few reflections on a trap familiar to so many of us living in the modern age — the trap of perfectionism. This obsession with always meeting high standards leads to a perpetual feeling of not being enough. But as I’ve learned, intentionally dropping the ball from time to time can actually balance the situation and lead to a more content lifestyle. So here’s my take on the perfectionism of the modern age.

I see perfectionism as a huge problem in our modern life among ambitious people, and I’ve observed strong evidence of it affecting people in both their professional and personal lives. It often leads to a tremendous amount of energy spent overthinking something before even starting, and often to inaction. Perfectionism can affect so many aspects of our life and even cause us suffering.

Perfectionism is defined as a state of flawlessness, where 'flawless' means without any imperfections. That is quite something to strive for, but we often hear ourselves saying, 'I want this to be perfect.'

My problem with perfectionism isn't that we hold ourselves to (very) high standards to achieve a flawless state, but rather that perfectionism is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and excessive overthinking — mainly negative — about what others think of our expected achievements or deliverables. It often revolves around seeking (external) acceptance and approval.

When we fail to meet these unrealistic, flawless goals, the common feelings are disappointment and inadequacy. We frequently create a misalignment between the perfect self-identity we construct around ourselves and the actual, usually imperfect, outcomes.

Another issue I have with perfectionism is its limitless nature. We don't confine ourselves to excelling in just one area, topic, or interest; instead, we aim to demonstrate perfectionism across multiple aspects of our lives — from our careers and hobbies to parenting, cooking, maintaining the house and chores, keeping up with social life, and virtually anything we touch. This mindset often leads to an all-or-nothing thinking pattern, where only perfection is acceptable. And falling short means those striving for perfectionism might withdraw entirely from the situation. A past version of myself might have reasoned that missing a week of posting invalidated any future efforts since the 'perfect' weekly posting trend was broken. Now, I find that idea laughable.

The hardest acceptance is our humanity. Perfectionism sets an impossible standard for humans and is highly subjective, fueled by self-imposed pressures.

To be content with our imperfect lives in this modern age, we need to let imperfections simply exist, as normal, rather than painting them with a flawless brush. The deeper we fall into the perfectionism trap, the more it drains joy from our lives.

From my personal observation, those around me who demonstrate a high level of perfectionism, including myself, often adopted this mindset during our formative years through conditional acceptance from our parents. The message was: 'I love/appreciate you when you meet X (usually a very high standard); otherwise, I don’t.' No effort seemed enough; they displayed disappointment in the hopes of making us more ambitious. And if we did achieve perfection, it simply became the expected norm. For example, being top of the class was just the baseline, the 'normal.' In this scenario, you can either meet the super-high standards and be 'normal' in the language of perfectionism or disappoint; there’s no room to make your parents proud if they expect constant top performance. Essentially, you're trapped in extremes.

Also, what I find most amusing is the standard response to the job interview question, 'What are your weaknesses?' People often present perfectionism as a badge of honor, hoping the interviewer sees it as a positive attribute, indicating that they hold themselves to incredibly high standards. However, perfectionism is far from a pursuit of excellence or doing your best.

I believe perfectionism is ultimately self-destructive and limiting.

So here are my 5 tips on what to do about it:

• Prioritize what's truly important to you. If you need to skip a week of blogging to spend time on something more significant to you, do it. Decide what's important to you and pursue that, rather than seeking the approval of others. Are you worried they'll see you as unreliable for not keeping your commitment? It might happen, but ask yourself: What’s more important? Knowing you’re living in alignment with your values, or maintaining a facade for the outside world? Fulfilling a commitment at the cost of your well-being benefits no one.

• Maintain a positive self-talk attitude. It would be easy to beat myself up for missing a week, but then I remind myself that I posted 14 times consecutively — that’s an achievement. Some people haven’t managed to post at all, despite their desire to do so.

• Work on your shame resilience. It’s crucial to acknowledge and face the less positive feelings, like letting people down or feeling shame. The key is to navigate these feelings constructively, while building an authentic self.

• Develop a growth mindset. Embrace the fact that every aspect of yourself and your actions can evolve and improve. Sometimes, delivering something basic that you can refine later is far better than being paralyzed by perfectionism without taking any action. And it also help maintaining a humble ego.

• Accept that life is unpredictable and not everything is under your control. I’m increasingly living by the motto that what’s beyond my control isn't worth my energy, especially my mental energy. If you're planning a perfect outdoor wedding, for example, don’t spend the year worrying about the weather. You can’t control it. Instead, have a Plan B in case it rains.
  

Imperfections make us human. Be bold, be compassionate, let life happen, and recognize the human element in all of us.

I think life should be centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection, like the Japanese wabi-sabi.

Take it easy, everyone. I’ll see you next week

Luciana